SURFING THE WAVES

First, I thought it’s like I fought a grizzly in the Canadian woods and barely made it out alive

a deep wound clawed across my chest, breath ragged, hands shaking, trying to stop the bleeding because I know....if I don’t, I die.

Maybe it’s like I was in the Eden Garden, a paradise of huge passion and beauty, trusting the snake's temptation with the knowledge, only to watch it shift, fangs bared, venom ready as I run to escape but not fast enough....the poison lingers inside me.

Now I believe it was like swimming in the most beautiful green sea, amazing, sunlight dancing, never noticing the dangerous shark behind me until I feel the tear, the bite, the sting of what I thought it was real

I survived

I don’t know how

But survival doesn’t mean healing.

There are no miracle cures, no fast medicine.

Big wounds close slowly with time, maybe.

But the scar stays etched deep, a memory of something I never thought would break me like that.

And while it’s still open, it bleeds. It burns.

The moment I was deeply hurt comes back again and again and again

Like waves

Some days, I pretend play numb

Tell myself it was nothing

Just a dream

Just a nightmare

I search for lighting the fog

Hope in the gray,

Direction in the unknown

Some days, I wear my best face so no one sees what’s underneath

My scar feels like a big hole in my chest

I looked in the mirror, no blood, no bruise but still I see it

I grabbed a scarf, a heavy jacket to be protected, even on the hottest day, to cover the wound in my chest

Just in case people could noticed

Days come and go but what never leaves is this cold

I feel a deep, intense cold, like I'm in a long period of hibernation or walking across the coldest Nordic ground

I learned to live with the cold

I learned to walk with a bleeding heart wrapped tight

I learned to move through fog that numbs my days

But the scariest thing of all?

The waves

The waves crash out of nowhere, unexpected and sudden

Crashing in hard, and there’s no trick, mental technique or grounding thought to stop them

Like an amateur surfer who bought the wrong board or didn’t take enough lessons before throwing themselves into the most untamed and unpredictable sea

The waves bring it all back, the lies, the manipulation, the betrayal

The part where I was just a means to an end

And when they hit, all I can do is stay afloat or pray not to sink

I never learned to surf

I trusted much the calmness of the green sea

I thought clear water meant safety and joy

I was wrong

Now, when the waves rise, I just close my eyes and wait for the impact to pass

And somewhere deep inside me, a voice whispers softly :

Steady! ...here comes the impact..then it should pass but

PLEASE BE STEADY.